With a heavy heart.

I have been offline for awhile just because I was still trying to understand my time in NYC and write about that but taking my time because school and work and life gets in the way of keeping something like a blog up that need to be something you want to do anyway.

I may be hard to understand and in a very different mood than any other post as well as unsure of myself and what to write.

There has been a death in the family (that is what I keep telling the people I have to call and write to like managers and professors)

To be exact it was my brother Manuel that has passed away.

So much has gone through me today that I just don't know what to feel.

I'm only writing right now because I need something more to do than sit and look at the wall with my family, friends and loved ones.

I thought today that I was going to come over to my mom's house and do laundry and hangout and not have to talk to police and the medical examiners office. I never thought I would have to look up funeral homes.

My mom carried that child with her, in her for 9 months and now she has to carry him to the ground and thinking about that alone breaks my heart.

This is such a traumatic and sudden event we are in the process of getting all the pieces of what happened as the day goes on.

People are so nice- that is what is killing me about today that everyone is giving us so much support and love. People are offering up anything and everything they can do for us and it just doesn't seem real yet.

I don't know how this is supposed to happen. How we are going to keep on going from now on. I wish there was a website that gave me a plan of what we are supposed to do from here.

Things are so bad about this situation I just needed to spit something up on the computer and go from there.

I feel like this isn't my life.