Sunday, December 13, 2009

Mole Eyes and a bit of reality.

This weekend I stopped feeling down and gloomy and did something about it. I did a girl's night with two of my favorite girls from high school. Sara and Sarski (Ashlee). We did something simple since we are simple girls, and flat broke from holiday spending, so our night started with light shopping at Michael's

Where Sarski promptly grabbed anything with glitter and started rubbing it on herself.
"Am I beautiful??"

Don't you love the look on Sara's face that says "what the heck are you doing?!?"

Then we came across these little beauties and had to pay homage to the goddess divine: Madonna. Oh and don't worry we do this every time we come.

Next we were off in search of ice cream (you know when it's like 50 degrees out and stuff) and took our traditional mole eyes picture.

"Mole eyes?" you ask, yeah well we laugh alot, like alot, when we all get together and I just kept noticing that Sarski's eyes get real tiny when she laughs. One day it got me thinking that she couldn't see when she laughed that hard, one question later, and lo and behold, miss sarsks totally "can't see shit" when we crack her up. Somewhere when me and Sara stopped laughing at Sarski's vision problems we started calling her mole eyes. Because ugh moles have small eyes?? yeah we don't think sometimes...

Since we don't have the time to get together as often now we have remember these moments..
with silly pictures =)

Thank you ladies for giving me a breath of fresh air this weekend and giving me hope and love to keep going this week.

To be honest (and since it's my blog, and I control how much I do or don't say, and how I write it and what "voice" I have- I want it to be authentic, to present the real thing. So for authenticity's sake I'm going to try to be open and honest- no pity party's here or want for attention k? just honesty) I've had a rough year. I lost weight, a sense of self, fell into a pretty deep depression, developed social anxiety and extreme nervousness, and at times become a real recluse holed up into my parents house. I look at where I am in life right now and think of this time as the"make it or break it" time. I know I'm going to look back and either say that this was the period in my life that made me; made me stronger, shaped me into a better person, OR I'm going to look back and see that this is where it all went downhill and all came apart...

I worry about what all these changes will do to me, to my future, to the point where I feel sick.

But that's just it I'm tired of being a nervous reck or worrying till my hair falls out (which I've noticed, is starting to) I want, I need to be do something about it. I just get lost in thought, lost in myself.

This year has been hard on me, and a lot of other wonderful people I know. My 20th birthday is this Friday and I just can't help but feel wrong about it. I'm in such a dark place sometimes that the thought of people wanting to notice me or celebrate something about me makes me feel sick. People ask me why I don't want to do anything. Why I'm not going out or having a party or why I even refused a birthday cake and simple family get together. I keep saying it's too close to Christmas and everyone is just too stressed out.

I say that because it sends the wrong message when you tell them it's because you don't think you can handle the love.

On days like these, I keep my ipod volume high, and have keep my head down and finely tuned to my book, until the world around me fades to 'mute' and I'm lost.

This summer they told me that life is such a beautiful and wonderful thing to waste, and yeah I'm still here, but I'm letting mine just pass me by. unlived.

sorry for such a weird post and I don't want pity or attention from it, I just wanted to feel like I was being honest with this. I started the blog as a sort of therapy to get over the anxiety I was getting meeting people or even communicating with them (there was a period in time where it felt like work, hard work, to mumble out a hello or a yes or no when anyone tired to talk to me) and if I'm just going to put on a plastic smile for everyone in the blogsphere then there really is no point then. It's about being real.


brittany said...'s totally about being real. and i'm still struggling with that as well. thank you for sharing and just know that i can totally relate so if you ever need to talk (or email) you know where to find me. :)

p.s. that madonna thing totally made me laugh...hilaaarious. :)

Rasha (andthisiswhatshesaid) said...


I am so glad we have become friends. I think that we both put a smile on our faces, and just pretend things are good, when they are not really... I know that life is hard for you at this moment, and I am here for whenever you need me. I promise.

Those are cute pics and I am really glad you got to hang out with your friends. :)


bananas. said...

awww i lovee good friends like know, the ones you can go to any random store (like michaels) and have a grand ole time!

hope your week is good honey! xoxo.

Annie said...

hahaha!! I love the picured!! Totally stuff I would do with my 18 year old sis. So much fun!!

hope you are having a great day hun!! :)

Miss Caitlin S. said...

Well first off, great pics of you and your girlfriends - I love those friends that always will be where you just laugh when you're together. Secondly, I'm sorry you've had such a rough year. Please do not think your rough year has the potential to be "the year it all came apart" - remember that you make your life and your decisions! Have a wonderful one, get to the source of this anxiety and utilize it to grow stronger because you will. I had a year like this in 2008 (bad breakup which devastated me, my life, what I thought would be etc...) I thought my life was over but in hindsight, that grieving process and feeling lost did help me be me now! I know you have your different reasons but you CAN and WILL triumph!!! :) :) Good thoughts to you!!!